BUT, you can find me over at my Tumblr: white cat with a twist of lime. It's not all humor all the time, but it is me in the raw on a daily basis.

I also have a Zazzle store: Chat Blanc Designs with creations that come straight from my warped mind and imagination.

And finally, if you don't care to follow my tumblr you can view the photos I take over at Flickr: chatblanc1.

Okay, that should be enough to keep y'all busy for a while.

Oh, I almost forgot to forewarn you.

There are CATS in all of the aforementioned places.

Was there really any doubt?

I can’t even begin to detail my wildly BORING tales of why I haven’t had time to blog. No really, I can’t, cuz I’m totally slacking off this very moment by not doing the 100 millionth hour of class work I need to dutifully (and begrudgingly) complete. But I hope to soon return to writing things other than: “The GDP in China is estimated to…blah fucking blah” “To effectively implement organizational change…yadda yadda bullshit” “The perceptual map of our competitors indicates…who the hell cares”

In the meantime I’ve installed a Twitter widget in the sidebar. It’s about the only other place you can find me these days and even then I struggle to write 140 characters of anything remotely interesting or funny. Nothing like formalized education to suck all the fun outta reading and writing!

Ho-lee crap-olee I’m sick of myself. All this whining and complaining. You have NO idea. I simply WON’T shut up even though I violently pantomime to myself to plug my pie-hole. It’s so irritating. Wait, there I go again with the bitching. ugh.

I tried to tell myself things could be A LOT worse. But then I remembered, things are worse. Namely, I won’t be doing any wearin’ o’ the green, looking under men’s kilts, or having any St. Patty’s celebratory fun. Or even celibatory fun. No, I’m wrong, there will be celibatory, just no fun. Of course some of you other celibates could join me in this non-fun non-celebration and we could call it Celibat-orgy!! I think that deserves a hashtag on Twitter!

Of course I could be completely delusional and imagining this whole stoooooopid interlude. Cuz seriously, right now, it feels like it’s been a whole week just since this morning. Well, I better slap on my smiley face and get back to the crap that makes me cranky.

gummy bears by ~frikibunny8

smiley horse by ~orcalover109

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Oh, don’t play coy with me, you know damn well what I’m talking about! That seductive come-on. . .

You know I can’t resist you when you’re all hot and slathered in oil, or wrapped in luscious bacon (or pancetta, if you must).

But then, there’s the. . .

Eau de “my pee smells like organic ass”!!

What kind of horrible chemical/biological/organical (I’m totally claiming that as a new word now) reaction causes something like that??

Ugh. Asparagus, you’re such a freak. It’s just. not. right.

pancette-wrapped asparagus photo by thebittenword.com; smell photo by JOE M500; bugs on asparagus photo by Benimoto   Some rights reserved

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Here’s the deal—I called one of my professors a dipshit. Not to her face (but possibly only because my classes are online). But I did say it out loud, to myself, and it did feel pretty good.

My beef with this professor is that she assigns PLENTY of reading, and by plenty I mean way more than I can finish in several sittings on the toilet, and then her meager contribution to our learning process consists of the following:

• her commentary—this is just a stupid outline of all the damn chapters she makes us read.
• a written assignment—this consists solely of questions taken from the chapter review questions in the textbook, ver-fucking-batim.
• an online group discussion assignment—again, this is based on shit she lifted from the textbook.

Holy hell people!! If all I wanted was to get me some straight from the book learnin’ without any other meaningful contribution from an instructor I coulda done that without a student loan and the craptastic lifestyle of a hermit!

Seriously! What the hell is she doing that I couldn’t have done for myself? I mean other than answering student questions in an untimely manner, handing out grades on shit we’ve regurgitated from a book, and creating a whole new expectation for what an answer should be on an assignment question AFTER I had handed in my answers and then dock my points cuz I didn’t answer according to the NEW expectations!!!

Just a sec, I need to spew some vile shit. . . %$^%$#% $#&*()&*%&&*%^ $%#@!^ &(*&** (*&^&%$ %$ %^&^&*&*(&!!!!!

Wow! My high horse and I feel much better now. Thank you.

photo source: all4humor

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I don’t want to put too fine a point on it but. . .

Yes we have come a long way, and thank frickin’ gawd, baby!! Personally I’m grateful for. . .

• the right to use up all my hard earned credit on boob jobs, botox, and Louboutins if I want
• the opportunity to work outside the home and make less than a man in the same job
• the chance to “have it all” and then to kick it to the curb when having it all means “doing it all myself” anyway

and. . .

• the freedom to take men or leave them in virtually any way I want!

It IS good to be a woman. Rock on ladies!

barbie jewelry source: Rueben Miller

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That’s right, as a proud member of HumorBloggers.com I’m claiming my place in the universe as an artiste! And if you don’t like it, you can kiss my fluffy white ass.

I’m serious. I typically wouldn’t go out on a limb and use words like humorist and artist to describe my demented attempts to be snicker and snort worthy but I figure if Gandhi and Eleanor Roosevelt can be funny, then I’m sure as hell at least half a hoot (I think declaring myself a hoot and a half is a bit too much).

I’m even thinking if Gandhi and Eleanor were alive today we might make them honorary members of Humor Bloggers. See if you don’t agree:

"If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide."--Mahatma Gandhi

“I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.”—Eleanor Roosevelt

I bet those two would be FABULOUS at parties!

Speaking of fabulous, The Hussy Housewife, esteemed member of HumorBloggers.com and awesomely outrageous funny ladee, created a special tribute video in honor of the March 2009 Humor Bloggers Unite (for world domination) campaign. This work of humorist art is filled with appearances by HumorBloggers.com members who are now infamous FAMOUS BlogStars.

Also, in honor of Humorists are Artists Day I want to share with you my elusive, nay some say imaginary, muse--The Cat Fairy.

I hope this photographic evidence finally puts to rest the ugly rumors that “I see dead cats.” Trust me, the cats I see are alive and could kick the shit outta the average ghost or alien. Well, they could if they weren’t such damn pussies!!

legs photo by ~PollyannePocket

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My personal three ring circus, aka my life, is leaving town in a couple of months!

Allow me to expand on the big fucking deal announcement. . . Since I’m not currently employed to prostitute my mind or body (legally or otherwise), nor obligated (legally or otherwise) to anyone or any particular profiteering organization, mental institution, or bastion of higher learning, it’s not mandatory for me to stay in this greasy little spot in the road after my current house and cat sitting gig is over. That reality made it tremendously easy to say yes to an out of the blue offer to house sit elsewhere this summer. Elsewhere, as in—a different town, in another state!

The crux, unless there’s a life altering event (like my dream job drops into my lap or a hot zillionaire with six months to live sweeps me off my feet) between now and May 14, I’m going to TEXAS!! (insert your favorite TX joke here)

In a perfect world I’d be paid outrageous sums of money to house sit an extravagant vacation home in the Caribbean through the dead of winter, but I don’t medicate heavily enough to believe that’s going to happen. I’ll just take what I can get, and evidently what I can get is in the lone star state.

Anywhores, with my little circus hittin’ the road I’ll be able to spread my special brand of corruption far and wide. I can’t wait! Now, you’ll have to excuse me, I need to go ride the internetz long and hard.

art by ArcadiaDolls

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I have to admit, this is actually how I picture a lot of men I encounter—as dickless wonders with absolutely no balls.

On a related topic, I’m thinking of starting a “Spay and Neuter Idiot Humans” campaign. I think it’s a worthy cause.

source: ask-art.net

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Any sane, rational, fashion savvy woman: “Um, because she’s a fucking DOLL? Oh, and her fashion sense is kinda shitty.”

Some other dumbass with a Barbie obsession: “Great! Let’s find a designer who doesn’t want his/her career to go anywhere and do it!”

Thus the Barbie inspired fashion show was born. At least that’s how I imagine it. Whatever. I contend that it’s wrong, wrong, wrong to translate Barbie’s “look” into clothing for grown women. Did I mention it’s just plain WRONG?

And, judging from the Barbie runway show during the recent New York Fashion Week it appears the American icon, a) is having an identity crisis of epic proportions; b) has been hanging out with Paris Hilton way too much; and c) has been making not-so-secret sex tapes with Ken.  Yeah. . . tragic.

Anyway here’s some of the worst of the wrongness from the show:

The One Legged Urban Zebra

The Babydoll “Let My Butt and Beaver Hang Out”

The “Oh, Mrs. Robinson, you nasty drag queen, are you trying to seduce me?”

The S&M Swimsuit

  The “I’m a Vegas Show Girl and I’m Also Channeling Cher Costumes”

Oh Barbie, I used to love you like a sister, but now frankly, I wouldn’t want to be caught dead with ya. You need some serious professional help. STAT!

Photos by Frazer Harrison/Getty Images.

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